In Other's Words
/Wish I’d Said That…
I may not have been blessed with luxurious locks, the luminous complexion of an angel, a killer rack or a butt you could bounce a quarter off of, but I’m smart. And funny. And I have a fairly good way with words and an exemplary skill at excavating the well-formed writings of others.
For this feature I am sharing excerpts from book reviews I’ve enjoyed. They will undoubtedly illicit a diverse range of emotion, but they share a noteworthy commonality…they are exceptionally written.
Compiled here are deliciously virulent take downs of the published written word, many of which may in fact be considered a blood letting to appease the Literary Gods. Not every book can be a good one nor every review harmless or banal in its criticism.
So, prepare to be entertained by the sheer brutality and hilarity of the negative review!
Snarky Reviews On Books To Avoid…mostly
The Discomfort Zone – Jonathan Franzen – Review By Michiko Kakutani
“Mr. Franzen turns his unforgiving eye on himself and succeeds in giving us an odious self-portrait of the artist as a young jackass: petulant, pompous, obsessive.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. This is a verbal flaying of the finest sort…
Bedroom Secrets Of The Master Chefs – Irvine Welsh – Review By Robert MacFarlane
“Every few years, as a reviewer, one encounters a novel whose ineptitudes are so many in number, and so thorough, that to explain them fully would produce a text that exceeded the novel itself in both length and interest.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. Didn’t finish it but I use reading as reward, not punishment…
On The Road – Jack Kerouac – Review By Ben Ray Redman
“The author can slip from magniloquent hysteria into sentimental bathos, and at his worst he merely slobbers words.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. Although I had to look up a couple of these words…
Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald – Review By H.L. Mencken
“The story is obviously unimportant and the characters mere marionettes, often astonishingly lifelike but not quite alive. And the writing is extraordinarily slipshod and at times almost illiterate.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. Although illiterate is a bit of a strong word…
Unchosen – Julie Burchills– Review By Will Self
“I can’t really dignify her latest offering with the ascription of “book”, nor the contents therein as “writing” – rather they are sophomoric hammy effusions of the wrongheaded, rancorous and pathetically self-aggrandising.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. Words are indeed weapons…well placed in the hands of this reviewer…
Bob Honey Sings Jimmy Crack Corn – Sean Penn– Review By Rien Fertel
“Heaven help us, Hell spare us, Hollywood save us, another actor has penned a novel. Full of puerile descriptions of female anatomy, racism masquerading as bold humor and weak attempts at political statements.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. My pet peeve is “celebrities” who get books published when the world is full of talented and hungry authors…
The President Is Missing – Bill Clinton & James Patterson– Review By JW McCormack
“A gross and gristly wank of a book that oozes contempt for the press and the democratic norms. On one hand a harmless airplane book and a flippant curiosity by an ex-president playing James Bond with the help of a hack writer…But it’s also an indulgent white man’s daydream about casual abuse of power.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. Damn that is some finely worded criticism…
Artemis – Andy Weir– Review By Alex McLevy
“The book reads like a first draft of a space-set crime thriller that has no clue how women think. As it turns out, there was a very good reason for The Martian to be about someone who is literally the only person on the planet: Weir isn’t very good at creating any believable human interaction when it involves someone the slightest bit different from his original dorky but genial white guy protagonist.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. A hard fall after the heights of The Martian…
Atlas Shrugged – Ayn Rand– Reviewer By Jason Roberts
“Ayn Rand makes my eyes hurt. She does this, not by the length of her six-hundred-thousand-word diatribe, but rather by the frequency with which she causes me to roll them.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. This book is a barely coherent rant…
The Mister – E L James (of 50 Shades fame – Review By Sophie Gilbert
“The author gives us internal monologues that have the breadth and emotional resonance of the white pages. And despite this exhaustive access to the inner workings of the characters mind, they remain as wooden and charmless as furniture.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. Did I read it? No. But don’t really need to for agreement…
What The Dog Saw – Malcolm Gladwell – Review By Steven Pinker
“Gladwell is a minor genius who unwittingly demonstrates the hazards of statistical reasoning and who occasionally blunders into spectacular failures.”
Donna’s Take – Disagree. A bit too obvious in his sour grapes I feel…
The Goldfinch – Donna Tartt – Review By Peter Kemp
“No amount of straining for high-flown uplift can disguise the fact that The Goldfinch is a turkey.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. A few short words that really sum it up…
You Know You Want This – Kristen Roupenians – Review By Parul Sehgal
“Pedophilia, necrophilia, child abduction, child murder, mass murder – go down the menu of fears and outré fantasies, they’re all here…And for what? This is a dull, needy book desperately attempting to provoke shock.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. So. Much. Angst.
Infinite Jest – David Foster Wallace– Review By Dave Eggers
“Frequently loses itself in the superfluous and wildly tangential flights of lexical diarrhea, the book suffers under the burden of it’s incredible length.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. Utterly Agree. Later Eggers changed his tune…pussy…
Adele – Leila Slimani – Review By Hillary Kelly
“A thriller only if you consider dozens of unsatisfying sexual trysts conducted with all the titillation of a Chia Pet commercial thrilling. At best this book is an oxymoronically sex-filled dud.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. Didn’t finish and was mad at myself for wasting my money…
Uncommon Type – Tom Hanks– Review By JW McCormack
“This book-shaped object made of cardboard and paper was never going to be a “book” exactly. Theres not a hint of conflict or a suggestion that American life is anything less than a holiday where everyone bikes and bowls and has a dog. This much cliché should never be attributed the title of uncommon.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. Respect to the reviewer willing to put aside Hanks likability as an actor…
Moby Dick – Herman Melville– Reviewer Unnamed
“The author just rambles on and on. Colonoscopies are more pleasant than reading this book.”
Donna’s Take – Agree. A massive snooze fest…
Handmaids Tale – Margaret Atwood– Reviewer Unnamed
“Ever since women (deservedly) got the vote, feminists have had to scrounge for stuff to gripe about.”
Donna’s Take – Disagree. Didn’t want himself named as he would have doubtless had his testicles removed and shoved down his throat. Or maybe that’s just me…
